Wireless networking is enough to drive a person to superstition. It never fails that I have a board room full of people and the computer screen projected on a wall when someone decides at the last minute that they need a document off the network. Should be no problem, especially for someone who has as much experience and knowledge as I have with networking. I mean I truly, fully, graphically understand how wireless is supposed to work.
But for some reason, only in board meetings, I cannot connect. And with the whole world watching, I cannot run to the my office to troubleshoot. So I am powerless.
And that is where the superstition comes in. What did I do wrong? Was I wearing these shoes the last time this happened? Is it because I don’t have on my lucky bracelet? OOOOH That is blasphemy. That is why I’m being punished. Or, did my mind wander during invocation? Am I even being punished? Am I supposed to learn something from this humiliation? Why did I choose this field? Why was I ever born? What is the meaning of life?
Honestly, at times like this, if you told me that waving a chicken foot over that laptop would fix it, I would be terribly tempted to try it.
You see?
Wireless = Chicken Foot
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Good, Bad and OMG!
Who am I? Okay, I know the answer to that. I spend a lot of time thinking about who I want to be, and a lot of time taking actions that move me in that direction. So why the question: Who am I? A phone call from an old friend reminded me of the decisions I made back when we were close. It reminded me of the way I thought at that time and what I thought was important.
When I look at my life in its entirety, it’s dizzying. I’m sure this can’t be healthy, because when I think back to the person I was, I cannot reconcile that person with the person I am now. And how I came to be here, at this age, in this life, with these people is bizarre to me. I imagine an amnesiac coming home from the hospital after a head injury trying to remember the threads and stories tied to the people and places and things in her life.
In this present tense, I am a relatively content, self-sufficient human being. Hopefully I give more to society than I take. I am a reluctant leader. I don’t trust myself, but a lot of people depend on me for a lot of things and I do everything I can to keep from letting them down. I believe in doing what’s right, even when it’s inconvenient, even if it’s difficult, even if it costs you personally. That is the easy part. Figuring out what is right is the most difficult. Finding it buried under all of the “I wants” and “I don’t wants” is a chore.
I know that sometimes you have to speak up and lead. And sometimes you have to shut up and follow. And usually, when you most need to do one of these, it’s when you really don’t want to.
I don’t believe in zero-sum solutions. I don’t believe that if I’m smart, you must be stupid. I don’t believe that if you’re successful, I’m a failure. And I don’t think that there is a prize for identifying the shortcomings of others. I have learned that there is no us vs. them. I like people. I like win-win solutions and the creative process that finds them.
I like quiet enjoyment. I’m not a thrill seeker. And if you saw me screaming on those roller-coasters last Sunday, well, inside, I was quietly enjoying the view. Raising my hands and marveling at the sensation. Melding myself into the turns and rolls, smoothing them out. And if you were there and you thought my screams had a note of falsehood, they did. When I yelled out, it was calculated. I decided to do it to see how it would feel.
I have a collection of amazing people in my life. They make me better at being a human.
I believe that human touch has healing powers.
I am a hard person. I speak harshly. I am intolerant of many things, like mediocrity. But I saw a WWJD bracelet about five years ago, and it changed the way I look at the world. There is beauty in grace. And we all need grace. Especially me.
Because I started living too soon. Or maybe it was too late. I was taking action before I was fully awake. I made horrible childish mistakes at adult games. And my self-recrimination stops as I remember that I was too young to be playing those games in the first place. The person I was would sacrifice my entire future for a moment. Not for the thrill of the moment, but for a moment of approval or acceptance. The person I was made herself invisible and worked off the radar to get her emotional needs met. No values of my own. Nothing so sacred or personal that I wouldn’t give it up for someone else. I adapted myself to whatever the situation or person in front of me called for. Weak. Desperate. Small.
So how did I get to be the obnoxious independent thinking person that I am today? I’m not sure it’s something that can be fully understood. Somebody gave me the tools, many somebodies gave me many tools along the way. But I really decided, fully committed to using these tools when I became a mother. I was sick of heartache by then. Sick of the heartache that comes with bad decisions. And then I had someone in my life that I valued. I didn’t think enough of myself to set boundaries, but I thought enough of her to go to bloody battle with anyone who would tread on her.
And I thank God every day for giving me the will to live. Not just exist, but to live. She is sixteen now, and she is everything that goes with that. Good, bad and OMG! I’m not the best parent. All parents lack objectivity, but sometimes I examine her with glittering fascination. She reads. She drives. She rolls her eyes. I am amazed that we made it this far. She’s almost a fully formed human being.
Her name is the same as the river of Jesus' baptism. The popular definition of her name is “downflowing” as it relates to water, and maybe that is also fitting. But her name truly means “descendent of the tribe of Dan,” and Dan’s name means “God is my judge.”
When I look at my life in its entirety, it’s dizzying. I’m sure this can’t be healthy, because when I think back to the person I was, I cannot reconcile that person with the person I am now. And how I came to be here, at this age, in this life, with these people is bizarre to me. I imagine an amnesiac coming home from the hospital after a head injury trying to remember the threads and stories tied to the people and places and things in her life.
In this present tense, I am a relatively content, self-sufficient human being. Hopefully I give more to society than I take. I am a reluctant leader. I don’t trust myself, but a lot of people depend on me for a lot of things and I do everything I can to keep from letting them down. I believe in doing what’s right, even when it’s inconvenient, even if it’s difficult, even if it costs you personally. That is the easy part. Figuring out what is right is the most difficult. Finding it buried under all of the “I wants” and “I don’t wants” is a chore.
I know that sometimes you have to speak up and lead. And sometimes you have to shut up and follow. And usually, when you most need to do one of these, it’s when you really don’t want to.
I don’t believe in zero-sum solutions. I don’t believe that if I’m smart, you must be stupid. I don’t believe that if you’re successful, I’m a failure. And I don’t think that there is a prize for identifying the shortcomings of others. I have learned that there is no us vs. them. I like people. I like win-win solutions and the creative process that finds them.
I like quiet enjoyment. I’m not a thrill seeker. And if you saw me screaming on those roller-coasters last Sunday, well, inside, I was quietly enjoying the view. Raising my hands and marveling at the sensation. Melding myself into the turns and rolls, smoothing them out. And if you were there and you thought my screams had a note of falsehood, they did. When I yelled out, it was calculated. I decided to do it to see how it would feel.
I have a collection of amazing people in my life. They make me better at being a human.
I believe that human touch has healing powers.
I am a hard person. I speak harshly. I am intolerant of many things, like mediocrity. But I saw a WWJD bracelet about five years ago, and it changed the way I look at the world. There is beauty in grace. And we all need grace. Especially me.
Because I started living too soon. Or maybe it was too late. I was taking action before I was fully awake. I made horrible childish mistakes at adult games. And my self-recrimination stops as I remember that I was too young to be playing those games in the first place. The person I was would sacrifice my entire future for a moment. Not for the thrill of the moment, but for a moment of approval or acceptance. The person I was made herself invisible and worked off the radar to get her emotional needs met. No values of my own. Nothing so sacred or personal that I wouldn’t give it up for someone else. I adapted myself to whatever the situation or person in front of me called for. Weak. Desperate. Small.
So how did I get to be the obnoxious independent thinking person that I am today? I’m not sure it’s something that can be fully understood. Somebody gave me the tools, many somebodies gave me many tools along the way. But I really decided, fully committed to using these tools when I became a mother. I was sick of heartache by then. Sick of the heartache that comes with bad decisions. And then I had someone in my life that I valued. I didn’t think enough of myself to set boundaries, but I thought enough of her to go to bloody battle with anyone who would tread on her.
And I thank God every day for giving me the will to live. Not just exist, but to live. She is sixteen now, and she is everything that goes with that. Good, bad and OMG! I’m not the best parent. All parents lack objectivity, but sometimes I examine her with glittering fascination. She reads. She drives. She rolls her eyes. I am amazed that we made it this far. She’s almost a fully formed human being.
Her name is the same as the river of Jesus' baptism. The popular definition of her name is “downflowing” as it relates to water, and maybe that is also fitting. But her name truly means “descendent of the tribe of Dan,” and Dan’s name means “God is my judge.”
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